Miss Edith in the City of Sin
by iscariot
Summary: CSI/ Buffy x-over - sorta. iscariot goes mad


See, this is what happens when I need a distraction. This will probably make contextual sense only to Buffy Heads. Also note, the views expressed in this piece are not necessarily my own...maybe.  
  
BTW: This is not beta'd or nuthin, so blame me..  
Las Vegas, city of lights, city of sounds; city of the lost; in some ways this place is even better than L.A. While it's true that L.A. has a higher proportion of junkies, whores and other human detritus lost in the waste disposal of human existence, and therefore a little more expendable than Las Vegas, where disposability is income rather that physically determined.  
  
Then again, bloody Druscilla keeps raving about the lights "Miss Edith, they're so beautiful, they spin around and around and around" at which point she usually gets dizzy and falls over. Have you ever seen a giddy vampire? It's pathetic, Druscilla's incoherent at the best of times but when she's giddy she can't even catch dinner - unless it's completely incapacitated - then we get the flow-on effects from whatever happened to be floating around in the poor bastard's bloodstream.  
  
Word to the wise: stay away from Dust-heads, at the best of times the mad cow's irrational but after a heady mix of A Neg and Angel Dust she attacked a bloody stone gargoyle; apparently it was looking at her funny. This of course would have been fine if she'd used a sledge hammer, but no, she went for the throat and snapped a fang; took months for the bloody thing to grow back and Dru was reduced to raiding blood banks.  
  
Where was I? Oh yes, Las Vegas. More correctly, a morgue somewhere, Druscilla drank someone she shouldn't have, spun into traffic and got flattened by a bunch of singing nuns in a mini-bus; and people think God doesn't have a sense of humour. Anyway, after being declared dead at the scene, we got bagged and woke up here. Dru's still out cold but I imagine the guy with the limp and the scalpel's in for a bit of a shock when she wakes up.  
  
Understatement. Hey he can move pretty fast though, who'd have thought? And what the hell's a Grissom?  
  
"Where am oi Miss Edith?" Great, the mad bitch is awake; at least the drugs seem to have worn off.  
  
"Nasty dead bodies all around, I don't like it here the dead aren't friendly, the dead are nasty and dead and not moving." Oh great, one of those days, Druscilla thinks she's alive. Ambulatory yes. Alive? Well the jury's still out on that one; go ask one of those tweed-inspired watchers they'd know.  
  
Now she's hungry: in the immortal words of Gomer Pyle, 'Surprise, Surprise'. I could have done without the 'Let's go shopping comment'. It's not like I can warn anyone though, people tend to have credulity issues with eight inch high dolls running into a room telling them to run as there's a vampire coming.  
  
Dru's spotted someone; they look like they're wearing a parrot. And what in God's name is that infernal racket? Forget the blood, Druscilla; kill the stereo. Hey, this guy's not freaked out, oh fuck it, he's flirting - we do not need another minion you stupid cow, hell, you can't even remember to water the plants.  
  
Oh look, this just gets better, another one's turned up. Young, female and...dead; you do not interrupt a master vampire when they're feeding, don't these humans know anything? You know, I have to give Druscilla credit; when she gets going she really gets going and that girl was inexcusably rude and truth-be-told, I didn't like the snotty look on her face either.  
  
You'd think that she'd at least wipe her face after a meal. One hundred and sixty years old and she still has the table manners on an infant playing choo-choo trains with the baby food. To be fair, unlike baby food, blood can be absorbed through the skin; good for the complexion apparently.  
  
Ooh look, word's gotten out. See the secretary. See the secretary run. Run secretary run.  
  
Bloody Druscilla won't stop, not now that she's got an audience. Angel was the same, don't have the sense god gave a goat if they're given the opportunity to stand around admiring themselves. Druscilla? The men coming towards you? They've got guns. [Not that guns can hurt her of course, it's just that I don't want to listen to her whining about the holes in her clothes later on]. Honestly, it's like dealing with the learning disabled, you would have thought by now, after the last mob that chased her through Prague, that she understood that she isn't going to win friends and influence people by standing around bathing in their blood.  
  
Look! It gets better - note the sarcasm. The man that's yelling at her; the one in the tight pants. He's sounds Texan, Dru hates Texans. What was it she said? Something about "Nasty men with tasteless string ties, cow horns on their cars and oil everywhere." Of course the stupid cow's never actually been to Texas but the facts have never stopped Druscilla forming an opinion... I do remember that she hated Bonanza though.  
  
Oh well, he's not yelling at her anymore.  
  
I didn't know you could do that with a gun; looks painful.  
  
What were they thinking when they decorated this place? All those fluorescent lights. I suppose you should give the architect credit for producing such a Dada masterpiece, I, however, prefer aesthetics. And speaking of aesthetics, hello cutie.  
  
Scratch what I said about minions Dru, can we keep this one, he's gorgeous. Yeh, yeh, I know, I'm a doll - get over it - I still have feelings and you have no idea what sexual frustration is until you're eight inches tall and made of wood. No Dru, leave him go for the skanky redhead in the tight top; those have to be fake, even da Vinci couldn't make something that round.  
  
Does she listen to me?  
  
Is the Pope Australian?  
  
Christ, could you imagine it, an Australian Pope? Hs first act would be to make a Patron saint of the Bar-B-Que and everyone would worship at the Our Sacred lady of Towoomba Cathedral.  
  
Shame, he had such pretty eyes.  
  
See, I told you, although I didn't expect THAT to happen when fang met silicon. Doesn't look like it tastes good either, what was she thinking? Remind me to ask Dru how she managed to confuse the throat with the... never mind...moving on.  
  
Finally, the front door. Time to go.  
  
Ahhh, so that's a Grissom. Very distinguished. Hang on, what's Dru doing? Why's she kneeling.  
  
Bloody hell, he's a....... 


End file.
